


on my own (with you beside me)

by ralf



Series: Close to Canon [28]
Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Communication, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Gen, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Drug Addiction, M/M, the alec-typical brand of self-deprecation
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-27
Updated: 2020-06-27
Packaged: 2021-03-04 01:41:16
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,028
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24945526
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ralf/pseuds/ralf
Summary: “She's been going to some mundane group Simon set her up with. It's helping a lot, I can tell. But since then...” Alec closes his eyes. “She's shut me out completely. I can barely ask her how she's doing without her deflecting or just.. pushing me away.”[Set somewhere after 2x12. In 3x13 Alec mentions he did some reading about “those mundane groups” Izzy goes to. Or: Magnus and Alec have a conversation about drug addiction.]
Relationships: Alec Lightwood & Isabelle Lightwood, Magnus Bane/Alec Lightwood
Series: Close to Canon [28]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/936036
Comments: 10
Kudos: 108





	on my own (with you beside me)

**Author's Note:**

> you'll tell me if my writing of shadowhunters starts getting crappy, right? because these days at any given time at least 15% of my brain is busy wailing about lan xichen and i feel like that could potentially influence the quality of my sh fics LOL

Magnus doesn't notice anything is amiss, at first. Alec and him are lounging on the couch, Magnus with a book on ancient summoning runes and his feet settled in Alec's lap while Alec is frowning at his pad, lips turned down as he scrolls. It's an expression he usually wears when he has to deal with paperwork at home, so Magnus doesn't think anything of it.

It's not until Alec roughly scrubs a hand over his face that Magnus realizes there might be more to it. He takes Alec in for a moment, gaze catching on the tense line of his shoulders, the careful stillness of his expression.

“Alexander?” he asks.

Alec turns to meet his eyes and reflexively his lips quirk up into an entirely unconvincing smile. If Magnus hadn't suspected him to be upset before he certainly is now.

“Alexander,” he repeats, softly, a reminder that there's no need for pretense between them. Even if Alec doesn't want to address what is bothering him he doesn't have to hide that there _is_ something bothering him.

Alec drops his false little smile. “Sorry,” he says, just as reflexively, then lets out a long breath because they've also talked about his compulsive need to apologize for everything.

“It's quite alright.” Magnus sets his book down in his lap, gently taking one of Alec's hands. He busies himself by playing with his fingers, not prodding but indicating he's listening should Alec want to talk about it. He's getting better at gauging whether Alec wants to stew in his own mind some more or get something off his chest, and he's proven right shortly after when Alec deposits his pad on the armrest, squeezing Magnus's hand back.

“It's Izzy,” he starts.

Concern wells up in Magnus. He knows better than most how difficult a Yin Fen withdrawal can be, but Izzy seemed alright the last time he saw her, or as alright as can be considering her circumstances.

“She's doing fine,” Alec reassures, shooting him a quick glance before focusing back on their entwined hands. “It's not...” He trails off, shaking his head.

Magnus has grown painfully familiar with this particular set of Alec's body language. He rubs Alec's knuckles comfortingly. “It's a difficult situation for all of you. It's okay to be affected by it. It's normal.” Silently he curses the Clave and every Shadowhunter Institution in existence that preaches the inherent vileness of experiencing emotions.

“She's been going to some mundane group Simon set her up with. It's helping a lot, I can tell. But since then...” Alec closes his eyes. “She's shut me out completely. I can barely ask her how she's doing without her deflecting or just.. pushing me away.”

Magnus risks a peek at the pad and can see that Alec has been researching NA meetings. His heart pinches.

“I've been trying to figure out what I did wrong,” Alec continues. “I don't know why she doesn't trust me anymore.” Despite his best efforts Magnus can clearly hear the hurt in his voice.

“Oh sweetheart,” he says, cradling Alec's hand in both of his. “It's nothing you did, believe me.”

“But she let me take care of her at first,” Alec objects. “Something must have happened to change that. To make her seek comfort elsewhere.”

Magnus shifts on the couch, unwilling to have this conversation from so far away, until he can settle next to Alec, leaning into his side. “It's nothing you did, I promise. Hear me out,” he adds, when Alec wants to argue again. “Of course not every addict experiences recovery the same but there are common occurences. One of it is the relief of speaking with other people who made it through similar struggles. Another one is evading your loved ones.”

Alec is still frowning, equal parts attentive and uncomprehending. Magnus sighs. “You know that I've had my fair share of experience with drugs, even if I limit myself to alcohol these days. My last drug withdrawal...” The memory aches, for more than one reason. “It was almost sixty years ago. Opium.” He smiles a wan smile. “Ragnor gave me an ultimatum, said I'd have to either get it under control myself or he'd make me. I chose the former because I couldn't stand the latter.”

“Why?” Alec asks. “Wouldn't it have been easier to have someone there with you?”

“In some ways,” Magnus concedes. “But I knew as much as him being there would make the passage of time more bearable, it wasn't worth the shame of him seeing me like that.”

Alec's brow crunches very distinctly. “Magnus. You know he never would have thought less of you for going through this.”

“I know. But that didn't change how I felt.” Magnus shrugs. “And it's not all bad. Feeling like that is what gave me the strength to see the withdrawal through. And that was.. empowering. To realize I had that strength, all on my own.” He laces his fingers through Alec's. “Some battles you need to fight on your own. And I believe this is part of the reason for Isabelle's behavior. She needs to prove to herself that she's stronger than this.”

“Even at her weakest she saved my life in combat,” Alec protests. “She's stronger than _anything_.”

Magnus smiles. “She is. I know that. You know that. But right now, she is doubting it. And to heal she needs to start believing in herself again. And that's not something you can do for her, not matter how fiercely you love her.”

Alec thinks it over for a long moment, then he gives a nod. Magnus squeezes his fingers encouragingly. “The best you can do is give her the space she needs right now. She will know how much that means from you.”

There's a pause, then Alec says exceedingly deadpan, “Do you mean to tell me I'm overbearing.”

Magnus hides his face in Alec's shoulder to cover his grin, glad that Alec seems to have regained most of his balance already.

“It means that you are very protective of the people you love,” he counters easily. “And trust me, we wouldn't have you any other way.”


End file.
